In the mag business, the Back Page is wherever you'd find each the weird goofs that we couldn't acceptable successful anyplace else. Some whitethorn telephone it "filler"; we similar "a full leafage to marque unspeakable jokes that are tangentially related to the contented of the mag".
We don't person (paper) pages connected the internet, but we inactive emotion unspeakable jokes — truthful invited to our semi-regular feature, Back Page. Today, it's Friday 13th, and Kate conscionable wants you to enactment safe...
[Originally published connected May 13th, 2022]
Right. Okay. Are you sitting down? Good. Don't move. It's Friday the 13th erstwhile more, and you cognize what that means, right? No, it's not Jason Vorhees' day — it's the unluckiest time of the year, for... reasons. And this one's especially bad, if you judge successful superstition and astrology, due to the fact that Mercury is besides successful retrograde, which means that, um, it's doing thing that makes things bad. Just spell with it!
With 2 specified catastrophic events happening astatine the aforesaid time, I privation to marque definite that you, our beloved readers, are safe, truthful you tin proceed to work our articles enactment alive. So immoderate you bash — don't permission the house. Don't get successful the car. Don't spell anywhere. Just enactment inside, and play video games, and marque definite that you're playing them arsenic safely arsenic possible.
To assistance you out, I've made a abbreviated database of however to play immoderate fashionable games connected Switch successful the slightest unsafe mode possible...
On this page:
- How To Play Games The Most Safely
- Ring Fit Adventure
- Pokémon (any of them)
- Stardew Valley
- Super Mario Maker 2
- Untitled Goose Game
- The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
- Dark Souls
How To Play Games The Most Safely
Ring Fit Adventure
Seriously? You're doing cardio, connected a time similar today? You're mad. But if I can't halt you, I tin astatine slightest assistance you. Think of each the ways that Ring Fit could termination you: You could accidentally strangle yourself with the ringing portion attempting a squat; you could autumn backwards portion doing yoga and impale yourself connected the armrest of the sofa; you could beryllium truthful overwhelmed by Dragaux's musculature that each the humor rushes to your cheeks and past you dice due to the fact that the humor isn't successful each your important bits. I americium not a doctor.
How bash you debar each these unspeakable fates? Simple: Stay connected the sofa, and unreal to exercise, but don't. It inactive counts, astir apt — and we've each played Wii Sports and Wii Fit this way, haven't we? Ring can't archer if you're jogging oregon conscionable wiggling the Joy-Con, but beryllium definite to wiggle gently, lest you smack yourself successful the look and suffer each your teeth.
What bash the deadliest things successful Minecraft — lava, mobs, autumn harm — each person successful common? That's right! They are extracurricular of your house. The champion mode to debar them each is to marque your location arsenic tiny and impenetrable arsenic possible. Build yourself a bully ungraded cube with conscionable capable country for you and immoderate different friends you privation to support safe, and conscionable enactment determination for nevertheless agelong you privation to play Minecraft connected Friday 13th!
Bonus points if you physique your miserable extortion cube retired of thing explosion-proof similar obsidian, but beryllium alert that gathering obsidian is scary and dangerous, truthful this method lone works if you already person some. Isn't information fun?
Pokémon (any of them)
You cognize who's a menace successful the Pokémon games? The Elite Four. Team [Rocket/Magma/Plasma etc.]. Literally anyone lasting connected a pathway. Tall grass. Wild animals. Your champion friend/rival. Even the Pokémon Professors, who are seemingly contented to marque a pre-teen bash each their probe work.
You cognize who's not a threat? Your mum. She's astir apt ne'er seen gangly writer successful her life. All she does is hold astatine location and occasionally telephone you (much similar a existent mum). Go walk the time with her! Show her each your Pokémon! Tell her astir the satellite that she's ne'er had the accidental to explore! Actually, no, don't instrumentality her outside, she mightiness die! Stay successful the house!!!
The safest mode to play Stardew Valley is to dainty yourself similar a toddler: Don't speech to strangers, don't spell into caves, and spell to furniture early. Your parsnips and cows tin past 1 time without you — and besides, livestock tin beryllium dangerous. One well-placed footwear successful the caput and you're toast, and Harvey isn't a bully capable doc to assistance you.
Super Mario Maker 2
Don't tempt destiny with each the bells and whistles successful Mario's toolkit — conscionable marque yourself a nice, pleasant locomotion on a wholly consecutive path. No enemies, nary holes, nary unpleasant surprises — conscionable Mario and his thoughts. Doesn't that dependable lovely?
Untitled Goose Game
This one's a spot different, due to the fact that you're the 1 causing everyone atrocious luck and misfortune, truthful however astir this: Just instrumentality the time off. Stop being a chaotic nuisance and conscionable beryllium a goose instead. Stay successful the pond. Honk if you must. But conscionable permission everyone alone, oregon you mightiness extremity up arsenic lunch.
Haha! Cross-promotion! If you're playing Earthbound because I told you to, past I similar you, but also, marque definite to instrumentality precautions. Just similar it was successful the '90s, Earthbound is each astir a radical of unsupervised children travelling to towns and getting beaten up by cops infected with immoderate benignant of brain-virus.
In retro JRPG style, the monsters and brain-poisoned adults volition marque a beeline for you arsenic soon arsenic they spot you, which makes it a small hard to debar them, and they tin each tally much faster than you. It's a risk-reward situation, though, due to the fact that beating them gives you money, which tin beryllium utilized to bargain healing items and amended equipment. So what tin you do?
Remember that it's a JRPG and bash what each JRPGs privation you to do: grind. Go backmost to 1 of the earlier areas and termination a clump of dogs and spacemen (again, conscionable similar the '90s!) until you person abdominous stacks o'cash, marque definite to telephone your dada to get the currency sent to you, and conscionable bash that for the entirety of Friday 13th. The remainder of the crippled volition beryllium a breeze successful comparison.
The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
It's unsafe to spell unsocial — truthful wherefore bother? Even if you're playing successful Master Mode (WHAT ARE YOU DOING, IT'S FRIDAY 13TH) there's a bully harmless spot for you: The very, precise opening of the game. Sit down with King Rhoam (uh, sorry, spoilers) and devour baked apples forever. Maybe he'll get bored of waiting and conscionable archer you everything you request to cognize without you having to bash each the (scary, dangerous) shrines...
Stay harmless retired there, gamers — and archer america your tips for not-dying successful the comments! But delight beryllium cautious not to chopped yourself connected the keyboard.